| ♡*逆境こそ人を成長させる好機…♡ |
| 2003年04月23日(水) |
昨年の春におじいちゃんが亡くなりました。それは私にとって、初めて経験する身内の死でした。生まれて初めてのお葬式は、私にとって思慮深いものとなりました。おじいちゃんの死を悲しむ一方で、過去の入院中の私の姿が思い浮かばれたのです。
私はMyasthenia Gravisという難病です。私がこの病気を宣告されたのは二十歳になって間もない真夏の事でした。「検査の結果、あなたは重症の難病だと判明しました。これから死ぬまで、この病気と向き合って闘っていく事を約束できますか？」と、主治医は私に問い掛けました。当時の私はかなり冷静でした。きっと手術をしてちゃんとお薬も飲んで治療もすればまた元通りに復活できると信じていたからです。
年が明け、成人式にも出席できないまま私の入院生活は延々と続いていきました。抵抗力が弱っていたために、私の生活は狭い病室だけに制限されていました。病室の窓の外へ毎日食べ物を求めてやってきた野良猫達が、私の唯一の仲間でした。主治医から「春が来たら退院できます」と告げられていたために、私は４月からの大学の予習に励み、学校とのつながりを心の支えにして復帰を心待ちにしていました。
しかし、入院期間が半年を過ぎても私の病気は良くなることはありませんでした。新学期の退院も絶望的となり、主治医も私の病状に頭を悩ませる毎日でした。入院生活が長引くにつれて私は、医師達や看護婦さん達の、私の病気に関する話を避け、私を元気付けようとする不自然な心遣いに対して、一切心を開かないようになりました。笑顔も言葉も失い、ただただ、病気で無力な自分が憎くて、生きている事に対して何も幸せを見出せなくなりました。
「死にたい、誰か私を殺して」そのような衝動に駆られ、私の死を懇願する日々が始まりました。どうすれば死ねるのか、私の頭はその事でいっぱいになりました。今思えば、とても愚かな行為だったと思います。死んで楽になりたかったのではなく、醜い自分を消してしまいたかったのです。主治医が、「死ぬから」と言って私に警告した事はすべて試みました。それでも死ななかった事が、余計に拍車をかけました。きちがいじみているように思われますが、当時の私にとっては必死の行為だったのです。
やがて私の21歳の誕生日が訪れました。まさか、次の誕生日を病院で迎えるとは予想さえしていませんでした。この一年は何だったんだろう…どこまでどん底に落ちれば気が済むのだろうか…食欲もなく点滴に繋がれてベッドに横たわりながら、考え付いた最後の手段は「脱走」でした。体力も抵抗力もないありのままの私の体で、力尽きて倒れるまで歩き続けてみたい…その願いを叶えようと私は脱走を決心しました。
消灯時間が過ぎた頃、点滴を抜き、パジャマ姿のままで無心で病院を抜け出しました。一歩一歩がとても重く感じられました。病院の外はまるで別世界のようでした。どこへ行こうか目的もなく、ただひたすら真っ直ぐ歩いていきました。たどり着いた場所は通い慣れた地元の駅でした。このまま電車に乗って知らない場所へ行こう…そう思っていた時、背後から私の名前を呼ぶ声がしました。振り返るとそこにはお父さんがいました。
なぜ私の居場所が分かったのか、これは運命なのだと思いました。そのまま無理矢理お父さんに病院まで連れ戻され、待っていたものは両親の涙、私を探し回ってくれた他の患者さんや医師や看護婦さん達の、心配と安堵の表情でした。警察沙汰になる目前の緊迫した空気の中で、私は自分の犯した行為を改めて実感しました。案の定、私は主治医にまるで私の親であるかのように説教をされました。そして最後に一言、「生きていてほんとに良かった…」私はこれまで、主治医や私を取り巻く人々がどのような思いで難病の私と接してきてくれたのか、その一言で入院約一年にしてようやく理解できました。
私が、病気と真正面から向き合い、少しでも良くなれるように…生きようと頑張っていくことが、どれだけの価値を見出せるのか、それが死と取って代わる私の答えだったように思われます。命を絶つ事は簡単です。しかし、そのしがらみを乗り越え、どん底から這い上がっていくことはただならぬ強い意志と忍耐を必要とします。そして、本当の幸せとは、自分を拒絶する事ではなく、自分を愛し、ありのままの自分と共に生きていく事によって得られるのだと思います。
長くなりましたが、私は、逆境こそ人を成長させる好機だと信じています。私はまだまだ未熟者で、私の真の闘病生活はこれから始まっていくのだと思います。それでもめげずに、病気に負けずに、秘めた可能性を信じて私なりに笑顔で頑張っていこうと思いますので、みなさんも幸せをつかんで下さい。
＜English ver.＞
In a dream， I may often recollect the past pain and conflict in a struggle against my disease. Whenever I dream about it， the thought revives vividly at my heart as if it was yesterday's occurrence completely. My grandfather passed away in the spring of this year. It was the death of the relatives who I experienced for the first time. The first funeral became thoughtful for me. While lamenting my grandfather's death， my figure under past hospitalization came to mind.
I have a serious disease called Myasthenia Gravis. That this illness was pronounced on me was the midsummer when I become 20 years old. My physician in charge asked me，“You proved as a result of test that your disease was incurable serious disease. Can you promise me to face and fight this disease until you will die?” I was quite calm in those days because I believed that I could surely get well if I perfectly had an operation and took medicine and got medical treatment.
That year ended， but my hospitalization continued for a long time and I could not attend a coming-of-age ceremony. Since my resistance to germs had weakened， my life during hospitalization was restricted only to the narrow hospital room. The stray cats which have asked for food out of the window of the hospital room every day were my only friends. My physician in charge told me that I could leave the hospital if spring came， so I tried to prepare for the university from April and I was looking forward to the return to the university.
However， my disease did not become better even if the hospitalization passed over half a year. My leaving the hospital by the new semester was hopeless and my physician in charge worried about my condition of disease every day. As my hospitalization was prolonged，my doctors and nurses avoided the talk about my disease，so I ceased to open my heart entirely to their unnatural consideration to be going to encourage me. My powerlessness because of disease was hateful to myself and my smile and words were lost， so it became impossible to find out happiness that I was alive.
“I want to die. Kill me.” Such an impulse ran and the days which I entreated for my death started. My head was filled with how I could die. If I consider now，I think that it was a very foolish act. I did not want to be relieved to die but wanted to disappear because I was very ugly. I tried to do all the things that my physician in charge warned me of death. That I still did not die accelerated me too many. Although it was thought that it was going crazy，it was a desperate act for me in those days.
My 21st birthday visited soon. I had not done even anticipation to the next birthday coming around in a hospital by no means. I think what this year was really and whether to be satisfactory if I fall to a bottom how far. The last means which I invented when I was not of a good appetite and tied to intravenous drip and lying on the bed was “desertion". I wanted to continue to walk with my plain body which had neither physical strength nor resistance until my power was exhausted. I determined desertion as how to fulfill the wish.
When lights-out passed， I extracted intravenous drip and slipped out of the hospital innocently with the pajamas figure. I felt that the pace per step was very heavy. The outside of a hospital seemed to be another world completely. I did not have the purpose where I go and walked straight intently. The place where I arrived was the local station to which I got used to go. When I was thinking that I was going to take a train and go to the place where I did not know，the voice which called my name from behind carried out. When I turned round，my father was there.
Why was my whereabouts found? I thought that it was fate. I was then returned to the hospital forcibly by my father，and it was my parents' tear and the expression of anxiousness and relief by other patients and doctors and nurses who had searched for me that were waiting for me. In the tense mood which I was about to be reported to the police，I realized afresh the act which I committed. As expected， I was scolded by my physician in charge as if she was my parent. Finally she whispered a word to me,“I am happy to find you to be alive”. At last，I was able to understand how eager she and people who surrounded me had got in contact with me until now.
It is worth to look my disease in the face and do my best so that it can get well--it seemed to be my answer which replaced with my death. It is easy to take a life，but overcoming the bondage and creeping up from the bottom needs strong unusual will and patience. I thought that true happiness was not refusing oneself but brought by loving oneself as one is and living together. I believe that adversity is just good opportunities to promote the growth of humans. I am still an immature person and I think that my true struggle against my disease will start from now on. Not discouraged by difficulties，I want to believe much hidden potential and do my best in my own way with smile without being overcome by my disease.
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