土曜日、
昼間にアーネストが店にきて、彼のものを持ってゆく。
”なんであんなことをしたんだ？”
という質問に、私はただ
”わからないわ”
というしかなかった。。。
本当に、わたし。。
いろいろと考える。


ベトのgood bye BBQ party。
こんなところに大きなガーデンがあるのか。。！？と思って入ってみると、
見事に大きなテラス。
アパートのドアをあけると、エンリケが目の前にたっていた。。
人が４０−５０人ぐらいいる。
ともこちゃんとしずみちゃん、その友達たちと話し、
イングリッシュ、いすら襟の女の子と話し、
カルロスがトランペットを吹き出す。
１２時半ぐらいにポリスが来て、パーティー終わり。

前の日は１、２時間しか寝ていなく、ものすごい疲れていたので、
まんまと帰ろうとしたらベトとジョンにキャブに押し込まれ、知り合ったイスラエルの女の子と一緒にまたみんなで別のパーティー。
そこもガーデンあり、が、アパートが小さくて、人がいっぱい。
だけどなかなか盛り上がっている。
とも子ちゃんたちも後から来る。

なぜかベトと話し込み、実をいうと最初にあったときから好きだった、と告白をされる。
すんなよー、こんなタイミングで！
君はボーイフレンドがいたから言えなかった。。と！中学生かい！
まあ話し込み、二人で店へ帰って、５時頃まで話し込む。
別に何もない。

日曜日、ぼーーーー。つかれの最高潮。
昼間にジャレッドがきて、ハモスプレイすから買ってきたハモスを外で一緒に食べ、
私はベンチにネッ転がりながら、ジャレッドはビーチベンチに座ってリラックスしながらぶらぶらと話す。
８時頃ベトが店にきて、一緒にディナーへ。
ヴィレッジのタイフーンにて枝豆、なす田楽、キノコのフォイルヤキ、たこ焼きを食べる。
菊水も。
とも子ちゃんから電話があったので、かけ直して、ベトと一緒に今ディナーをしていることを伝えると、
ええー！とショックな声。
”私、ベトのこと好きだったのにー。”
ええ〜！私も雄叫びをあげる。
心の中で、誰がこんなヒップスターを好きなんだ！と叫びながら、
申し訳ない気持ちでいっぱい。。。そんなつもりでは全くなかったのに。。
というか、私はそんな気持ちは彼に一切なかったのに。。ああ、ラブトライアングル。。！
まあ、その後少しぎこちない会話をしながら、ディナー。
ぶらぶらといろいろなことを話しながら。
その後ベッドフォードにあるすごいオープンスペーすなベトのアパートに行き、
ビールを飲みながら、私はワインを飲みながら、広いファイアーエスケープでうだうだと話す。
とてもゆっくりとした、穏やかないい時間。
Sakuraとの時間をすこし思い立たせる。

その後映画を見ようと試みるが、私が１０分後に熟睡！
３日間の疲れで、がー、がー、がー！！と勢いよく寝る。
アーネストの夢を見る。３日連続。

日曜、
目覚めると、朝の十時。
ベトは既に起きていて、忙しそうにパッキングをしている。
めざめてゴロゴロしている私をみて、ブレックファストは？
と聞かれたのでエッグ。。。。と答える。

パーフェクトなオムレツと、パルメじゃんチーズ、スクウィーズドオレンジジュース、
コーフィー、ストロベリージャムのトースト。すーぱーおいしい！

まったりとした時間をすごし、ファイヤーエスケープでちょっと話して、
私は店を開けなくてはならないので、さよならを言ってさる。


店に帰ると、コンピューターが。。動かん！！！
ヴィールスにインフェクトされてフリークアウト。
違うコンピューターをフックアップして、急いでクレイグスで探し、
なんと17インチのpowermacを$350で見つけ、急いでコンタクト。
ドンブラコッコとハーレムまでいくはめに。

うおー。
問題がいろいろだけれども、とりあえずインターネットを使わなくてはいけないので、
交渉決定！
しかも、なかなかのキュートガイ！

往復２時間。。
その間ベトから何度も電話がある。
が、
私はこれに忙しく、交渉が終わった後、彼のフライトのラストコール間際にかけ直すはめに。
私もコンピューターを持ってあっぷあっぷしながら少し話し、グッドラックできる。


その夜、とも子ちゃんといろいろと話す。
私は彼女のことが大好きなので、一番問題を起こすなどとは思ってもいなかったのが。。。
でもいろいろと聞けて本当によかった。。
しかも、私はベトに関して特別な感情も持っていないし、
ましては私は今アーネストと店のこと、じぶんのことで手一杯なので、
ロングディスタンとな彼のことには気を払っている余裕なんて全くないのだ。。。
彼女はもう私からみてもかわいいし、いいひとだからこんなことで友情を失いたくない。
と、ティーンエイジャーのようなことを言ってみる。。。

月曜日！
NimaとLivingRoomでハングアウト

火曜日！
走る、店でみんなとハングアウト！なぜかいろいろと人が来る。
ケヴィン、レンジー、アレックス、ジャレッド、マット、ジル。
夜遅くまで。

水曜日！
走る、ジャレッドとバイクでブルックリンを周る

木曜！
走る、自転車でブルックリンにあるGrassland GallaryにてVice Magazineパーティー。
ジャレッド、サラと。サラのボーイフレンド、ウィルのハードコアへヴィメタルバンドもその隣のバーに見に行く。
ハードコア。。。
ジャレッドと一緒に橋を渡って帰ってきて、SanLocoでタコス。
電話をなくす。

金曜！
走る、自転車でブルックリンに戻って、電話をピックアップ。
この時点で非常に疲れる。店をクリーンアップ、
レンジーが来て、一緒にモヒートを作って、外でまったりする。
デイヴィッドが来て、いろいろと準備。ひろきくんが一番最初に到着。
いろいろと話して、レンジーが来てチーズをおいていってくれ、
ジアン、ワキン、カナミちゃんとその友達4人、デボラ、サラマ、最後にウェスとたかさんがくる。
ウェスと2，3時ごろまで。
暑くて寝れない！

the worst comes worst.


friday was girls' hang out.
hanged with jill and her friend at the new restaurant across the street from the store.
i had a few glasses of white wine, which was good. and then her friend went home and naghman joined.
we went to Fat Hippo where the guy jill's seeing works.
had a glass of martini.. strong! then Jill and I went to backroom for dancing.
jill left there and i went to Livingroom to see my friend who works there. i had a glass of water there.
all the conversation with jill made me cry so badly that night.
it hurts as hell. went to sleep..tired from crying.

Saturday
i went to brooklyn with Shoko, riding my bike and shoko was riding scooter. went to Aurora, cute italian restaurant for brunch.
super cute garden, and cute waiters! but my food wasnt so good.
we came back to the store and hanged out with renjith all evening till he left for midtown..taking my metrocard.
i was having beers.. till he came back. Renjith was late as hell. and needed my metrocard to go to brooklyn for my friend's Hat Party.
he came back so late for me to go to hat party.
so i rode a bike to another party i've been looking forward to going.
i got lost a little bit and started raining a little bit but
i managed to get there. the music was great. so i blasted!
danced crazy and had loads of fun!
till this guy came on to me. we danced together and he kissed me.
fuckin kissed me. such a bad kisser.

then i froze.
Ernest was there. He saw me kissing some other guy.

"you need to move out"
that was the last word.


i froze.
everything seemed frozen.

now i put label called "bullshit bitch"on my own.
why, the worst.
i'm still seeing him and love him.
why so many bad things happen between us.

is it a punishment of what i've done or what.

why eric wasn't there? why juri wasn't there?
my night turned into a nightmare for me.

when i leave the place, i went to Ernest.
He pushed me away with his two hands.

i can't eat.


everything tastes bad.
i didn't know i'm that sensitive.

kimochi warui. everything looks not tasty at all.
i just,
want to eat air floating around me.

i just want to eat my heat, my feelings, and emotions.


please help, someone...

we used to be always together, everyday.


today, i was recalling the day you came back from burning man last year.
when you were away for almost two weeks for the first time.

you called me as soon as there's signal.
you went straight to work and went home when you came back to new york.


i remember those days that missing you so badly,
sleeping with your shirts to just get a bit of smell of you,
looking at the picture of us, thinking about the day you're coming back,
imagining about your hug and rain of kisses when you come back.

those memories now just hurt. they are uninvited.
better not to recall anything.
better bu buried... because it hurts..

i lost 6lb in a month and half.
fast diet..

if you want to lose your weigh, break up.




now i am having a hard time to enjoy the food.
all the food i eat is tasteless, goes down my throat to my stomach like stones.
my stomach is empty, but my brain doesn't want food.
i'm not craving anything.
i am too depressed to eat something.

thinking more, but eating less, sleeping less.

super unhealthy way to lose your weight.

...was mostly my fault.

i blame myself so much and so many times.
i couldn't have had a little mistake.. but i did.

customers started to come after 9pm, so i had to stay at the store.
and i had a birthday party to go in w.village. one hour late.
i've been in touch with the birthday boy, since the invitation was like 8-10:30 or something.
i arrived there after 10:30pm.



i had already a couple drink of votka, which i completely forgot i forbid myself drinking hard liquor.
so i already had a buzz when i got to the party.



before i close the store, i had to change my close because when i searched the spot on the web,
it looks like casual, but not too casual restaurant.
but i went there w flip flop with jacket and black pants.

gave a birthday conversation to this bday boy, and chat w his friend.
and i called ernest who was busy with another birthday celebration almost 11pm.

i told him where they are, and still around the union sq.
so i stayed a little bit more. half an hr later, he called me that
they're changing the bar. so i wrote down the address his friend gave me.
i went to the bathroom because it was a little bit loud to hear.
then i went back and this guy wants to have a smoke, so we went outside and smoke a cigarette.
was telling him that i have another party to go to after this cigarette.
then he called me and found out that i was still at the place and he was mad, saying
" we waited for you for forty minutes and you're still there? alright, you will not come here. see you next time."
and hang up.

i called him back while i was catching a cab.
but there was no cabs! every single cab was occupied. what is wrong!?
so i walked like 5-6 blocks or more to find a cab.
kept calling him, left messages. no answer or return call.
finally i gave up to catch a yellow cab, but car service which costs more. but doesn't matter now.
i am late and he's mad at me for that.

i finally got the place where those ppl are at.
there was a short line, so i waited.
then finally i came to the door man and showed my id,
but he told me that i cannot go in there with FLIP FLOPS.
where the heck i know where i was going to?
i did not bring high heels. all the boys and girls were dressed up nicely.
but i looked like a bum, compare to them.
not even wearing high heels.

kept calling him.. no answer. no answer. no answer. no answer. no answer.

i cried.
i became too emotional.
because i tried to make it.

at the same time, i was kind of justified myself for being late,
since he's always late in most occasions.

i hang around there for an hour or two, keep calling.
of course, no answer.

i cried.

suffered from being ignored from the one i love.

suffered from being neglected from the one i decided to love.

suffered from the situation i created.


it was all my fault.

i was working on our relationship like i never tired so hard.
why?
only reason, i love him.


i am in love.




no matter what he told me, curse me, but as long as i recieve his affection and love returns,
i was totally fine.


but


no more.








he doesn't even share the bed with me, when i try to touch his hand,
he pull his hand.
avoid me as much as possible.

no kiss,
no eye contact,
no touching,
of course, no cuddling.

but one word,
"Move out, ai"



i love him.

i love you, Ernest.

it was all my fault that i acted out.
It was also his fault that he didn't consider my feelings nor understanding that we are different sex and person.





we have ended our relationship a month and half ago,
but i still wanted to believe we can make it up..
after i had a conversation with the owner of 1492 on Monday,
ernest did not come back home on sunday and monday night,
and he did not answer any of my calls,
my feelings started falling apart again.
i did not have this feelings anymore. i suffered enough.
i paid what i have done. I don't even know where the one i love stay over or who he be with.
i've done once to him.



I have a big pressure, broken heart, and am broke.. all those things i am facing
i am not strong enough to face them and deal with them all at once.

kurushiinaa!

ひどく、めためたにされた。

ai ｜MAIL