I was so sad and felt alone no one to help me and no one ever said to me "I love you or your life is important to us I am happy to see you, You are a good girl" I was brought up by mostly negative words. I hate them " kill yourself good-for nothing failure, looser, evil stupid brainless child"
My feeling was always miserable. Those negative words around me all the time. People never stopped to say you are a good girl or I love you .
But always stopped to scold, shout something bad or swear at me.
I never knew Peace. My home was full of sorrow ,rage , insults and fear. My heart and my body were so hurt all the time.
Always living my life in pain and fear and so hard to endure. At the age of 7 I started to think I wish I could kill myself.
Many boys would say to me Kill yourself but really my own feeling was " I want to die".
I never had jolly time. Why am I here, why no one kill me, were my questions.
Needless to say I had no friends most of the time. Whenever teacher wanted to do group work no one wanted me. I was totally alone. If Teacher put me in another group they treated me like I was dirty lice. and they never worked together with me. So even though I was in the group I was totally isolated. Worry and sorrow were my only friends although I hated them. So I never had friendly talk at school or home.
I was starved of affection. My mother is dentist and her clinic was in our home. So many clients came and I loved to talk to them. because they were strangers and never knew how, what or who I was. Then they were friendly towards me. But all the people I spoke to were all adults or small children
I was afraid of children the same age as myself. If the children were really little I loved to look after them because I knew how to make their mind open.Sometimes the little children were fond of me.
But they only came to see me temporary because they were clients not my friends. If I wanted to be their friend Mother would beat me. As when she found me talking to them she would pinch, kick and hit me. So always I had to pay attention to her footsteps.Even though Mother beat me I still spoke to clients
Because that conversation was the only thing I had similar to normal affection. I felt really lonely,and isolated like an abandoned dog.
Always my mother threatened me by violence, so toward the evening my feeling was always down and I felt fear when she came back to the room I had to pay attention to it. When she came back I had to behave so good or she would be violent to me.
Her violence was always tortue for me . If I cried because of pain she became more violent. If I tried to endure,not cry she again became violent and swore "you nasty brat!! hateful annoying brat!!"
If parents had an argument they would take it out on me for no reason. That meant they would beat me.When they were in a bad mood they again took it out on me. When father and mother had difference of opinion,once again I was beaten because both wanted to dominate me.
Anything brought them reason to beat me. I was completely in hell and daily life was tortue. I really wanted to be adopted to another house. My parents often said to me get out of this house, I never want see your face. But really that is what I wanted to do. Seriously I thought it would be kinder to die of starvation or of the cold. So sometimes I tried to drink detergent or swallow ash of cigarette, because I thought those could let me die.
But if i revealed that thinking they would have rage and sulk to me. Probably they said "we are nasty parents so you always make fool of us you never respect me"
All things were really hell and awful and always overwhelming but still I wanted affection from my parents.
So when my mother was crying instead of father I would try to comfort her. Marital dispute caused seperation I was so alone and crying.
Also I felt so guilty for my life. Because mother always told me " if you were not alive I could easily divorce your father"
Whenever parents fought with each other they would say to me and brothers "we hate our children so Please take them or blow into orphanage."
I really wanted to die I wanted to kill myself, indeed. My childhood means nothing to me I really want to forget. Whenever I remember, my heart beats so fast and I feel nothing but chaos.
Still my mind is living in that desolate wild place although I really want to get out, but do not know how.
So I was really a love-starved child.
I am still a love-starved child.

疲れてます　初めて　パニック発作に襲われました。
文字は打てない　息はできない　辛かったです。
友達に迷惑かけたのが一番　辛かった。　トレック　ご免ね　クリス　ケイトエリザベス　ごめんね。今は落ち着いてるから

びっくりした　こんなに長いこと。放り出していたなんて・・・　日記大事なのに・・・　もっとしっかりしなくっちゃ・・　そう思った

口に出さないできたおもい。　私は形にしなかなった。

でも・・　あえて言う。生きることに希望も持てない。　未来が見えない。生

きていてもいいの？　生きられない私。

一人で生きれるはずのない私・・死ぬのも　わからない。　でも　消しゴムで消せる存在でいたかった。　

今なら・・それでも死ねる？　

今のほうがずっと死には　真剣・・・・。

決行してしまいそうな　気持ち・・・

もしも・・・　もしも　・・・

消せるのか？　私の命？

生きられないから　そう思っていることが思い込みなのならそれでもいい・・

この恐怖に耐えては生きられない。　誰か助けてといいながら・・

でも　私はやっぱり　助けを求める手は　振りたくない。

生きたいは　死にたい　と同じ意味。　私は　消えてしまう？

命を消すための　準備が・・　　見えてるのか？わたし・・・。

ねむの木の・・　映画を見たのは　私がいくつのときだったろう？９歳？１０歳？１１歳？そのときも　私は　苛めにあっていた　辛くて悲しくて・・
家にも居ることなんてきなかった。　どこにも　私の居る場所はなかった。

そんな時　お正月に放映されたこの映画・・　
私は暫く　この映画に圧倒されていた。　私の惨めな生が　もしかしたら　他人を助けられるかもしれない　役立たずの自分が　人の役に立てるって・・
それはとても　私には新鮮な驚きで　新鮮な希望だった。
そのときの私をここによみがえらせることができないのは　できないけど・・　私には新しい何かをもたらしてくれた。

ただ・・もしかしたら　虐げられている自分を上に立て　人を下に見ようとしていたと言えない事もないけれど・・・。
それは今の私には　推し量ることはできないかな・・。

それから　ずっとこの夢を追いかけてきた。そして今追いかけながら　ここ　イギリスまで来てる。
離婚を超え　いろんなことを　通り過ぎて・・ここに居る。

あれだけくっきりと　私の中に　形を残してる夢が・・　近くなればなって　色あせているのか？
それとも　私自体が・・変わってしまったのか・・・。

無気力さと　学校への　不安感だけが　私を　包んでる

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