Promise



People too much...hurting

my fear has created so many monsters...
I could not beat them
could not screen off them from the world
now.. let's over...everything

One day I will remember... those days

It suddenly has visited me
-revelation-
The hermit will come down here from the hermitage
The arrow will be shot off
A dawn will be showed...

The time.. has come.

The train wll be waiting for me
The whistle is blowing..

All hurts will be guide of light for my way
All faults and mistakes will be railway for my journey

The whistle is blowing
The train opened the door
The time came...

See you... We will meet other different places

The sun is rising again.. 　　　　　　　　　


人はたくさん傷ついて
私の不安はたくさんの　怪物を生み
それを倒せない
それを遮れない・・・
もうすべて終わりにしよう

いつか　この日々を思い出すだろう

それ突然に私に向かってきた
啓示・・・

隠者は庵からやってくる
矢は　放たれる

夜明けは見えるだろう


時はきたれり
汽笛はなり私を待っている

すべての傷は私を導く光
すべての過ちは私の行方の線路・・・


汽笛は鳴っている
汽車は扉を開けた
時は来た

また　違う場所で会おう・・・

日はまた昇り始める

preface to my life story
I want to recover from my depression but it also means to recover I have to change my wrongful thinking and warped view. I will have to face my fear and all negative feeling. Those feelings like sadness,anger, hostility jealousy and grudges.
These negative feelings I always tried to hide and now have to admit, have been unsuccessful in hiding them. So my thinking is distorted now.
I do not think changing mind is enough, I really need to let it go...have to accept all my feelings and hug myself.
If I could hold myself lovingly I believe gradually and clearly I will change my personality, character and my life.
Now I cannot believe in myself and I do not believe there's a future. So most things for me are destructive, spiteful and dreadful.
I know most people have kind mind and people in my present surroundings are so warm.But my fear and thinking do not allow me to believe it.
I feel too terrified to believe, good, happy positive things. Because I have forced myself to believe everything is so dreadful this has become a natural thing to me.
I thought I must not cry, I must not rely, I must not ask for help, I must not get angry I must not hate ......etc...
And these are my charm against evil things as well a curse for myself.
These tied up my thinking so fast, I could not even breathe.
I want to be free and I want to believe myself and in tomorrow.
So I decided to write my story in as much detail as I possibly can to sort and clear my things out.
Then I want to think who I am, what I feel now,where am I going and where do I want to go and can do
In the end I hope I can reverse my intention and thinking too.
I need to do this for my life and I have not been able to do this. I want to get my life back.
I only have today and do not want to live in my wild disorted destructive place any more.
I want to forgive me and forgive my hateful past and to taste all things of life. I want to love, and believe in people.
So please forgive my nasty, miserable, gloomy writing , I realise now I need some help to do this.

Please forgive my selfish thinking

I hope these actions will also help you.

I was so sad and felt alone no one to help me and no one ever said to me "I love you or your life is important to us I am happy to see you, You are a good girl" I was brought up by mostly negative words. I hate them " kill yourself good-for nothing failure, looser, evil stupid brainless child"
My feeling was always miserable. Those negative words around me all the time. People never stopped to say you are a good girl or I love you .
But always stopped to scold, shout something bad or swear at me.
I never knew Peace. My home was full of sorrow ,rage , insults and fear. My heart and my body were so hurt all the time.
Always living my life in pain and fear and so hard to endure. At the age of 7 I started to think I wish I could kill myself.
Many boys would say to me Kill yourself but really my own feeling was " I want to die".
I never had jolly time. Why am I here, why no one kill me, were my questions.
Needless to say I had no friends most of the time. Whenever teacher wanted to do group work no one wanted me. I was totally alone. If Teacher put me in another group they treated me like I was dirty lice. and they never worked together with me. So even though I was in the group I was totally isolated. Worry and sorrow were my only friends although I hated them. So I never had friendly talk at school or home.
I was starved of affection. My mother is dentist and her clinic was in our home. So many clients came and I loved to talk to them. because they were strangers and never knew how, what or who I was. Then they were friendly towards me. But all the people I spoke to were all adults or small children
I was afraid of children the same age as myself. If the children were really little I loved to look after them because I knew how to make their mind open.Sometimes the little children were fond of me.
But they only came to see me temporary because they were clients not my friends. If I wanted to be their friend Mother would beat me. As when she found me talking to them she would pinch, kick and hit me. So always I had to pay attention to her footsteps.Even though Mother beat me I still spoke to clients
Because that conversation was the only thing I had similar to normal affection. I felt really lonely,and isolated like an abandoned dog.
Always my mother threatened me by violence, so toward the evening my feeling was always down and I felt fear when she came back to the room I had to pay attention to it. When she came back I had to behave so good or she would be violent to me.
Her violence was always tortue for me . If I cried because of pain she became more violent. If I tried to endure,not cry she again became violent and swore "you nasty brat!! hateful annoying brat!!"
If parents had an argument they would take it out on me for no reason. That meant they would beat me.When they were in a bad mood they again took it out on me. When father and mother had difference of opinion,once again I was beaten because both wanted to dominate me.
Anything brought them reason to beat me. I was completely in hell and daily life was tortue. I really wanted to be adopted to another house. My parents often said to me get out of this house, I never want see your face. But really that is what I wanted to do. Seriously I thought it would be kinder to die of starvation or of the cold. So sometimes I tried to drink detergent or swallow ash of cigarette, because I thought those could let me die.
But if i revealed that thinking they would have rage and sulk to me. Probably they said "we are nasty parents so you always make fool of us you never respect me"
All things were really hell and awful and always overwhelming but still I wanted affection from my parents.
So when my mother was crying instead of father I would try to comfort her. Marital dispute caused seperation I was so alone and crying.
Also I felt so guilty for my life. Because mother always told me " if you were not alive I could easily divorce your father"
Whenever parents fought with each other they would say to me and brothers "we hate our children so Please take them or blow into orphanage."
I really wanted to die I wanted to kill myself, indeed. My childhood means nothing to me I really want to forget. Whenever I remember, my heart beats so fast and I feel nothing but chaos.
Still my mind is living in that desolate wild place although I really want to get out, but do not know how.
So I was really a love-starved child.
I am still a love-starved child.

疲れてます　初めて　パニック発作に襲われました。
文字は打てない　息はできない　辛かったです。
友達に迷惑かけたのが一番　辛かった。　トレック　ご免ね　クリス　ケイトエリザベス　ごめんね。今は落ち着いてるから

アルテミス ｜MAIL

My追加