I've been in hibernation, unofficially.

i'd say after renjith's birthday party on March 6th.
we had such a blast time.. more than i expected.. it was an epic-crazy moment. with wigs and shades, thomas's deli-sh tapas, etc...
dancing bumping the ceiling and the floor-kind of thing.

i knew myself that march is going to be a slow down month, since i hang out too much past a few month.
i went out almost every single night..i noticed it's a bit too much at the end of febrary while i'm partying.. and decided not to go out too much in march..

but!

what happened.. to me.. kept going out for nothing.
the result is.. depressing to go out.
i don't feel anything about going out with people anymore.
no desire to meet new people, hang out with friends, drink, or smoke.
i just do not wanna do anything, still, i feel like to be someone.


it's so interesting to see myself in this situation though.
i even felt nothing at Jared's first BBQ of the year.. although it was soo fun at preparing stage, i felt not much fun afterwards..at the sapphire lounge,etc.
the first spring weather didn't help at all.

what is wrong with me.!?


possibly the plan to trip to spain might have something to do with it.
it was a trigger in my heart.
so excited and my imagination just bloomed in my heart... ready to explode.. explore..

but my plan was shot to the ground just like a bird in the sky was shot by gun. i found out the problem was not reissuing the passport, but the visa stamp itself, the plan has just been up in the air thing..
really, this really sucks.. i suffered so many times with my visa and passport mismatch things in my past. everything is legal, but just mismatch of validation for both some documents, i couldn't travel freely.

when i tried to go abroad other than US, my visa stops me.

last time i traveled, i disregard my status and dared to travel.. the result.. i was trapped at the custom, yup, like a mouse trapped on mouse catch!

i was so innocent..i knew it... just wasn't sure my documentation was enough or not..
just back from enjoying my time at beaches, super tanned skin with flower printed shirt, kinda "out-of-it" face....maybe the officers saw me a refugee.. so they decided to take me to the "white room".
this young tanned skin officer asked me several questions... and i talked back since i researched my situation before i left for the vacation. .. my vacation is always with risk!@

although i knew i am right and sure am able to go back to new york, i was still a bit nervous surrounding by the authorities..
i wanted to drink my cruzan rum in my bag to calm my nerve while i was talking to the officer.

stuck there for three hours while they do not know what to do with me and while they were waiting for their head office in philadelphia or somewhere in east coast. of course, i missed my flight.. i saw my plane from the window while i was interviewed.
i had to wait three more hours to catch next plane, and wait 5 hours in Puerto Rico for connection flight.
finally at a bar and had candy-nasty-taste pina collada... (why did i order pina colada, first of all??)
PLUS, my passport has been suspended... so i had no ID for a month and half.. went to several times to pick up my passport..and the guy at the window already recognize my face the last a few times... (it took a month for them to ship to New York.. what a ..!)

so it was such s sour-bitter-sweet memory.. i still remember every little thing.. not the whole trip, rather the last process of the trip... which is bizarre. where is my precious vacation??




i'm in light depression.. by the way.

i need to go.
in need of leaving this country so badly.

take me out.

ai ｜MAIL