...was mostly my fault.

i blame myself so much and so many times.
i couldn't have had a little mistake.. but i did.

customers started to come after 9pm, so i had to stay at the store.
and i had a birthday party to go in w.village. one hour late.
i've been in touch with the birthday boy, since the invitation was like 8-10:30 or something.
i arrived there after 10:30pm.



i had already a couple drink of votka, which i completely forgot i forbid myself drinking hard liquor.
so i already had a buzz when i got to the party.



before i close the store, i had to change my close because when i searched the spot on the web,
it looks like casual, but not too casual restaurant.
but i went there w flip flop with jacket and black pants.

gave a birthday conversation to this bday boy, and chat w his friend.
and i called ernest who was busy with another birthday celebration almost 11pm.

i told him where they are, and still around the union sq.
so i stayed a little bit more. half an hr later, he called me that
they're changing the bar. so i wrote down the address his friend gave me.
i went to the bathroom because it was a little bit loud to hear.
then i went back and this guy wants to have a smoke, so we went outside and smoke a cigarette.
was telling him that i have another party to go to after this cigarette.
then he called me and found out that i was still at the place and he was mad, saying
" we waited for you for forty minutes and you're still there? alright, you will not come here. see you next time."
and hang up.

i called him back while i was catching a cab.
but there was no cabs! every single cab was occupied. what is wrong!?
so i walked like 5-6 blocks or more to find a cab.
kept calling him, left messages. no answer or return call.
finally i gave up to catch a yellow cab, but car service which costs more. but doesn't matter now.
i am late and he's mad at me for that.

i finally got the place where those ppl are at.
there was a short line, so i waited.
then finally i came to the door man and showed my id,
but he told me that i cannot go in there with FLIP FLOPS.
where the heck i know where i was going to?
i did not bring high heels. all the boys and girls were dressed up nicely.
but i looked like a bum, compare to them.
not even wearing high heels.

kept calling him.. no answer. no answer. no answer. no answer. no answer.

i cried.
i became too emotional.
because i tried to make it.

at the same time, i was kind of justified myself for being late,
since he's always late in most occasions.

i hang around there for an hour or two, keep calling.
of course, no answer.

i cried.

suffered from being ignored from the one i love.

suffered from being neglected from the one i decided to love.

suffered from the situation i created.


it was all my fault.

i was working on our relationship like i never tired so hard.
why?
only reason, i love him.


i am in love.




no matter what he told me, curse me, but as long as i recieve his affection and love returns,
i was totally fine.


but


no more.








he doesn't even share the bed with me, when i try to touch his hand,
he pull his hand.
avoid me as much as possible.

no kiss,
no eye contact,
no touching,
of course, no cuddling.

but one word,
"Move out, ai"



i love him.

i love you, Ernest.

ai ｜MAIL