feel so bad about the fact i haven't been working at all.

AT ALL.


i used to be a babysitter for the store..
sometimes i even felt like i was in jail since everyone else go out for beach, bars, etc on sunny weekend,
i'm the only one left at the store.
last for 5 years. worked 7 days a week.
only a couple times offs a year.

i wouldn't deny that i had fun being there many times,
but at the end i became more frustrated and wave my hand to leaving friends with envy eyes.

now what.


it's gonna be almost a year that i haven't worked officially anything.
i cannot believe that i am not working.
i feel so bad the fact Matt is the only income and he's doing so well taking care of everything at the same time.
feels that i'm nothing. doing nothing.

i have been eliminating my negativities of my life.
i learned it, because was forced to do so. if i didn't force to learn it, i would have killed myself a while ago.

My best friend Jared told his friend a couple times that he wouldn't know what to do if he were in my situation.
of course a guy like him who has a stable job and doesn't have to worry about the status of living will not experience the extreme situation like i have.
well once you are in survival mode, you'll need to deal with the situation and try not to put yourself in the dark bottom.

I've been trying to smile and be happy at any cost to make myself go upwards, not towards down. otherwise, in these situation, you'll drawn in the mad and deep into the darkness..
it might sound like a clown, but no. i believe it's one of the keys to live happy as possible.

you stuck, struggle in the darkness.

when i die, i don't want to regret my life.
i don't care if i live short or long, but live without regret.
so why waste my time for being negative and drawn into the darkside.

i've done that and done with them.
for half year, my business sucked and frustrated with no dayoff,
my boyfriend didn't help me but made things worse.
i was stuck in between which destroyed everything.

now it's time to arise again..

i experienced.
i heard.

not enough




i am waiting for what's come up.
i just enjoy what's out there, what's with me right now.
i've got one that i can finally trust without doubts.



I don't have to leave anymore
What I have is right here
Spend my nights and days before
Searching the world for what's right here

Underneath and unexplored
Islands and cities I have looked
Here I saw
Something I couldn't over look

I am yours now
So now I don't ever have to leave
I've been found out
So now I'll never explore

See what I've done
That bridge is on fire
Going back to where I've been
I'm froze by desire
No need to leave

Where would I be
IF this were to go under
It's a risk I'd take
I'm froze by desire
As if a choice I'd make

I am yours now
So now I don't ever have to leave
I've been found out
So now I'll never explore

I added Amonson to my last name.

you cry
don't let me go, don't let me go, please...

i know it's difficult.
i know it hurts.... so do I.

it's been more than 5 years.. almost every day, even after i moved the location, you've been with me.

i hated your slant surface... it's not good for making jewelry and put anything on it.. but i love you.

you're such a beautiful thing.

you're the last inherit from my baby.


but i have to let you go.

my heart is like pressed, squeezed when i think about you're leaving.

i know i feel empty after you'd gone..
A hole in my heart.
but i already lost one. it was like selling my heart.

i gotta let you leave.

don't make me look back.
i want to look forward.

so go, please go...

so, i went to detroit for MOVEMENT 2010.

Left new york on thursday of may 27th.
but there's some episode before the trip.
on tuesday, hang out with thomas and eric at LIT..
we danced for a while.. the music was good, but when we left there for another bar, i noticed i didn't have my wallet.. my wallet!!!
i went back to the LIT if they have one.. oh my, i was so anxious..
when i asked a bartender if she sees any wallet, and there it is!
but!!! i lost $300 cash which was in my wallet.. what the fuck..
i was so upset and depressed..till next morning.

wednesday was another epic..
Dave's farewell party. arrived around 12:30, went to rooftop and there's still people hanging. around 1:30, the gig started downstairs. this guy, stephane played perfect guitar and we were jamming.. until Oriol spilled water on me. all over on me.
he was so high and drunk and didn't know what's he's doing. it was a hot night so it's all good.

stayed over their place, and woke up at 8am. headed back to willy-b to pack my stuff up.
left brooklyn around 11:30 to the airport.


my flight was one hour delay.
so i grabed some soup at au bon pain.. tasted sucks.
contacted oriol since his flight is just one hour behind from me and he was already approaching to the airport.
but couldn't find him.
ha

so my sleepy head but excited heart didn't really let me sleep on the flight.
so excited moment when i arrived in detroit airport!!!
full smile on my face, walked the airport.. waiting for my friends to arrive.
but hell... i constantly exchanged text with thomas who is arriving around 10pm.. and i got there 5:30.
Oriol's flight got delayed for a few hours. so i was alone at a bar in airport.. drinking beer, dirty martini, eating chips.
four hours later, Ori arrived.
we started play dominoes a bit and around 11:30, thomas arrived.

thomas's sweet father picked us up quick enough and then went to thomas's big house..
Eric and Ross were there already.
his mother was the sweetest and cutest.
we hanged at backyard drinking some canadina beer till 2 or 3 am.

that was the first day of detroit...

stupid me!
i though i could manage hold on myself.

stupid me..
that i played my heart into indulgence and endure with the old memory and





i am looking for a love. to love and to be loved.
i am not looking for uncertainty. it will just hurt me.

fuckin love this place.
hang out their patio and jared joined for dinner at the table in front of patio.

still in hibernation mode, i guess.
no energy to do anything.. no passion for parties or activities.. just a bit for work.

just feel like to do anything.
i don't even feel like to drink or smoke.


tuned up my bike during the day and rode it for the first time of this year..
felt sooo nice, but still feel something's missing....

mmmmmmmm!!!



wed:
went to larry lawrence around 1:30 am by myself for just chill and possibly read a book..since a few my friends called the night out early and the weather was too nice to call it off to me.
well i wanted to go to some place has a garden and chill mode.. but couldn't find any place with quiet atmosphere with garden around here.

so fuck it, i went back to Mr. Larry Lawrence again.

well, too dark to read a book... first of all.
only a few people was hanging at the bar and outside area..
noone at the seats. well, it was empty. ha. this was what i wanted.. besides too dark to read!

after finishing my first old fashion, started talking with the bartender, rachel, about very general things. i liked the conversation, because it's general conversation, but not talking about where i'm from or a person keep asking me questions like interview.

around 3am, a couple ppl showed up.. and got in some conversation with a "writer" till 5 in the morn, arguing about being free lancer, people's perceptions, etc.

he's 38 y/o freelance writer, still doing bartending job. for side. ...
well i guess i should say bartending job is his main job and side as a
writer. here's one of the representative of the original hipster and long residence in williamsburg!

the bartender gave me maker's mark..

here we all started another drunk conversation.

yea yeah

omg..




drunken writing here they were.
it's perfect to spit something here when i'm drunk.

showing my dark side to remind me my silliness later.

I've been in hibernation, unofficially.

i'd say after renjith's birthday party on March 6th.
we had such a blast time.. more than i expected.. it was an epic-crazy moment. with wigs and shades, thomas's deli-sh tapas, etc...
dancing bumping the ceiling and the floor-kind of thing.

i knew myself that march is going to be a slow down month, since i hang out too much past a few month.
i went out almost every single night..i noticed it's a bit too much at the end of febrary while i'm partying.. and decided not to go out too much in march..

but!

what happened.. to me.. kept going out for nothing.
the result is.. depressing to go out.
i don't feel anything about going out with people anymore.
no desire to meet new people, hang out with friends, drink, or smoke.
i just do not wanna do anything, still, i feel like to be someone.


it's so interesting to see myself in this situation though.
i even felt nothing at Jared's first BBQ of the year.. although it was soo fun at preparing stage, i felt not much fun afterwards..at the sapphire lounge,etc.
the first spring weather didn't help at all.

what is wrong with me.!?


possibly the plan to trip to spain might have something to do with it.
it was a trigger in my heart.
so excited and my imagination just bloomed in my heart... ready to explode.. explore..

but my plan was shot to the ground just like a bird in the sky was shot by gun. i found out the problem was not reissuing the passport, but the visa stamp itself, the plan has just been up in the air thing..
really, this really sucks.. i suffered so many times with my visa and passport mismatch things in my past. everything is legal, but just mismatch of validation for both some documents, i couldn't travel freely.

when i tried to go abroad other than US, my visa stops me.

last time i traveled, i disregard my status and dared to travel.. the result.. i was trapped at the custom, yup, like a mouse trapped on mouse catch!

i was so innocent..i knew it... just wasn't sure my documentation was enough or not..
just back from enjoying my time at beaches, super tanned skin with flower printed shirt, kinda "out-of-it" face....maybe the officers saw me a refugee.. so they decided to take me to the "white room".
this young tanned skin officer asked me several questions... and i talked back since i researched my situation before i left for the vacation. .. my vacation is always with risk!@

although i knew i am right and sure am able to go back to new york, i was still a bit nervous surrounding by the authorities..
i wanted to drink my cruzan rum in my bag to calm my nerve while i was talking to the officer.

stuck there for three hours while they do not know what to do with me and while they were waiting for their head office in philadelphia or somewhere in east coast. of course, i missed my flight.. i saw my plane from the window while i was interviewed.
i had to wait three more hours to catch next plane, and wait 5 hours in Puerto Rico for connection flight.
finally at a bar and had candy-nasty-taste pina collada... (why did i order pina colada, first of all??)
PLUS, my passport has been suspended... so i had no ID for a month and half.. went to several times to pick up my passport..and the guy at the window already recognize my face the last a few times... (it took a month for them to ship to New York.. what a ..!)

so it was such s sour-bitter-sweet memory.. i still remember every little thing.. not the whole trip, rather the last process of the trip... which is bizarre. where is my precious vacation??




i'm in light depression.. by the way.

i need to go.
in need of leaving this country so badly.

take me out.

ai ｜MAIL